In Defense of Twenty-Somethings

A week ago, the New York Times published the article, “What Is It About Twenty-Somethings?” discussing the potential for a new age group – the “emerging adulthood” or twenty to thirty-year-olds. There is evidence to suggest that those of us in the category of emerging adulthood are beyond the emotional upheavals of adolescence, but have not progressed into the maturity level of full adulthood. Our psychological development is not as complete, and we tend not to conform to the social expectations of adults, such as having become financially independent from our family units, completion of academic education, acquired a secure profession, or settled on a permanent romantic relationship. Instead, the article points out, those of us experiencing “emerging adulthood” tend to wander through this portion of our lives, uncertain and yet hopeful, eager to try new things as well as concerned about the vagueness of our future and aware of a constant pressure to having already achieved these milestones. Cracked.com attacked these cornerstones of coming-of-age in “What the Hell is Wrong with Twenty-Somethings” with a comedic take on the question most twenty-somethings feel they are facing right now: what is wrong with you?

The research by Jeffery Jensen Arnett in the New York Times article suggested that there is, in fact, nothing wrong with twenty-somethings who have not achieved these milestones. It’s hard to pin down the exact reason that this age group is developing – the economic recession makes it hard to “get out and get a job,” contemporary social norms allow for a more relaxed view on dating and relationships, higher (and expensive) education can take longer to complete, etc. However – and I say this speaking as an uncertain twenty-something – there is still that lingering pressure that looms over everything, that subtle suggestion that failure in these matters is due to a sense of entitled leisure or perhaps a personal laxity. Underneath the proposed rational by Arnett that contemporary twenty-somethings are merely responding to social developments, the unspoken criticism winked at in the Cracked article is a real and defining pressure for every twenty-something. In the back of our minds – whether a twenty-something is a hardcore partier who works part-time at Starbucks, a dedicated PhD student at Columbia University, or a full-time employee in an entry-level position at Wall Street – we are all wondering what it is we’re doing wrong. Why haven’t we reached “adulthood” yet? Why does the American Dream seem suddenly so obtuse and out of reach?

The shameful return to the over-burdened family unit

Critics will immediately point out the holes in all of this seemingly post-adolescent angst. Arnett in the New York Times article remarks that there are twenty-somethings, particularly in the developing world, that have had to become adults well before their psychological development was ready for the intense complexity of adult responsibilities. Some young adults have already settled down and begun to raise families, requiring twenty-somethings to become responsible care-providers even as they continue to rely on their parents for emotional and financial support. This concept of “emerging adulthood,” some critics of Arnett argue, can be interpreted as a reaction to the leisure and luxury available to young adults of educated, moderately affluent, and predominantly Western societies. This may very well be true, but does that mean that the application of pressure to “get out and get a job,” to acquire the contemporary conception of the American Dream is the antidote to our uncertainties? Have we really just created a later stage of adolescents as a means of postponing the inevitable burden of adulthood?

Are we just kids playing adult roles?

Perhaps. Or perhaps what we are seeing with the development of an “emerging adulthood” age group and the increased study into the twenty-something psychology is merely the acknowledgement of the social changes taking place in the first decade of the new century. It would be unfair to say either the recession or social tolerance of so-called twenty-something procrastination is to blame. We should take a step back and consider this development among young adults as a piece of the larger social puzzle currently developing. Consider the economic, political, social and international events occurring that shape not only our future but ourselves as individuals. The developments among twenty-somethings could be interpreted as responses to these shifts. Perhaps it is not our failure as “emerging adults” to grasp the American Dream and thus achieve adulthood, but rather the reinvention and debate over that dream that has stretched it beyond our grasp.

American society at large is changing around us, and we are beginning to encounter cultural shifts that provoke reactionary responses. Young adults moving back in with their parents are one of these changes, but it isn’t a new phenomenon. It’s just seems like that since the prosperity of the 1950’s allowed for younger family members to create their own family units separate of their parents without any economic repercussions. Before that in America, and still today in many parts of the world, family units provide financial and social support for their younger members. Children are raised in households that include grandparents, rather than taking a weekend to go down to the nursing home and visit Grandma. Extended cousins and siblings live within the vicinity, and a network of relations shared communal burdens of money, housing, and childcare. This concept of buying your own house in the suburbs and settling in with a family of four is a modern, affluent concept constructed out of the post-WWII boom. For the first time in decades we are facing an economic crisis that requires us to return to what should be the open arms of a communal system that shares these responsibilities. That this is being frowned upon as somehow a failing on the part of either the parents or the twenty-somethings is residual expectations from a more prosperous era.

Are we really failures for not achieving these milestones?

There’s no point in harping on the economic recession, because by now we’re all feeling the pinch. On top of that, health and longer lifespan allows for older members of the work force to remain in their positions longer. So for those of us just emerging from college, there are limited options. We apply for internships and entry-level positions with bleary hope, already resigned to some desk clerk job which we are overqualified for. Some of us go back to school, having received faulty advice that a higher degree will earn you a better position. Those of us who turn our attention to civic organizations or international aid agencies are viewed by the mainstream as wandering do-good vagabonds, our efforts to improve the world and ourselves interpreted as idealistic and unworthy of our potential, which apparently should be directed at making money. Only the military appears to offer an honorable alternative, and that path seems to lead down a potentially grave future.

An article by Time in July, “The Only Child: Debunking Myths,” included in its discussion of the benefits of couples choosing to raise only one child the reduction of financial pressures on the family. Couples with at least some college education have rationalized that in this poor economic climate, it’s not wise to have more than one kid, and that a return to a more communal setting decreased the validity of the argument that an only child will somehow be lonely without a sibling. This argument can be expanded to address the concern of twenty-somethings not choosing to settle down and start a family. Young couples today are recognizing the economic difficulties of starting a family, and are choosing to postpone having children until later in life, when financial security has been obtained through an improvement in the job market.

Without this pressure to  have kids, there isn’t the need to settle down with a permanent partner. I am not condoning the type of blind, grimy fornicating that results in websites like Texts From Last Night; rather, relaxing of social norms allows for more variety in our dating practices, to find a partner best suited for the long-term. While a supposed milestone to adulthood may be entering into a permanent romantic relationship in the form of marriage, it seems rushing into a life-long relationship for the sake of social conformity is what leads to our high divorce rate. Cohabitation with a partner allows you time to work out the kinks. As an example, my grandparents married when my grandpa came back from the Pacific Theater; he was 19 and my grandma was 16. They’ve stayed together all these years because, as good Christian folk of the Midwest in the 1950’s, that was what you did. Society told them that they had to put up with each other, even after that first blush of teenage infatuation faded away to reveal personal faults. Avoidance of divorce or life-long unhappiness through cohabitation – a sort of trial period for relationships – doesn’t seem like it should receive so much criticism.

Cohabitiation allows time for infatuation to give way to real affection and then cooperation.

 In a podcast of The American Life aired back in 2001, a Mexican-American college student discusses her feelings of failure in achieving happiness in life. Sylvia recounts how her mother, a very traditional woman, used to keep her in a cultural box, telling Sylvia how she needed to get married and have children. Sylvia rebelled against this mind-set, wanting to take advantage of the broad opportunities available to her because of her academic record, and went off to college in New York. She became isolated, depressed and anxious about the choices she had made. Her cousins and high school were married with children; they had houses and stable incomes and seemed happy, whereas Sylvia couldn’t get a job she wanted, living in a rat hole in the city and despaired of ever being content. According to the podcast, when Sylvia finally returned home, her emotional state improved and she found work. She isn’t married yet, but she is back in a community where she feels secure and has support.

Perhaps that is what most twenty-somethings need. Twenty-somethings may be a new age group, and we may be going through an unrecognized period of psychological development, or we may just be reacting to the shifts in cultural norms and social events. The response to our drifting, however, should not be responded to with the question: “what is wrong with you?” We should be provided we communal and familial support. And yes, in a time of economic crisis, financial support from our families may not be available, but that does not mean that emotional support from both our parents and society at large is not warranted. In the New York Times article, Arnett discusses the benefits for both parents and twenty-somethings who remain in close contact, providing each other with “practical assistance” such as “advice, companionship, and an attentive ear.” He suggests the construction of social and civil programs that assist twenty-somethings, by providing them with a means of continuing their period of freedom and exploration while giving back to the community. This isn’t all that different than suggesting teenagers get summer jobs or internships, while remaining within the safety net of home and school. The difference is that those of us in “emerging adulthood” need greater freedom from the restrictions set by these organizations, but without having been entirely cut loose.

Yes, there are those twenty-somethings who are immature and negligent, who are unwilling to adopt the burdens of adulthood. But many of us are willing, some even eager, to accept the responsibilities. We are crippled by current social conditions and our own niggling self-doubts. Support from our families and our communities should be the positive response we receive, rather than exasperation sighs and disappointed looks, which has proven to result in self-directed disappointment and further feelings of anxiety and failure. Social expectations and pressures insist on asking us: “what is wrong with you?” Our response needs to be: “Nothing. I can only make the most of what I’ve been given.”

Blogger’s Note:

I’ve been very lucky in having the type of familial, if not communal support that Arnett believes twenty-somethings need while trying to find an anchor in this period of drifting uncertainty. I owe a debt to my family for having supported me as much as they could in every way. My own experience suggests to me that it is as much societal shifts as it is psychological development that is defining this new age group, and our continued anxiety as “emerging adults.”